- My daddy used to could tell if it was going to rain by the way his corns hurt.
- He used to sit on the front porch and put his feet up on the railing, take his shoes off, rub his feet and go, “It’s gonna rain today.” It could be sunshine without a cloud in the sky, but somehow he knew it was gonna rain. And it would always rain before the day was through.
- If his arthritis was acting up it was gonna snow. If his rheumatism was acting up it was gonna be a tornado coming through. I once asked him how he knew all that stuff. He said, “It’s a gift.”
- I was six years old. I was wondering who gave him that gift for Christmas and how can I top it. Somehow, the electric razor I gave him didn’t mean squat. You can’t tell anything from shaving.
- My daddy wasn’t much for talking. I remember when I moved away to college I would call home to talk to him. He’d answer the phone and I’d go, “He daddy.” The first thing he’d say is, “Hang on, I’ll get your mamma.”
- One year for Christmas he got me an electric train set but I couldn’t play with it for two weeks. Every time I tried, he was playing with it. He loved that train set.
- He always got me stuff that he could enjoy too and I learned from that. That’s why this year for Christmas; I’m getting my seven year old a twelve foot pontoon boat.
- We used to always have a big party at our house on Christmas and all the family would come over; aunts, uncles, cousins, everybody. And everybody would bring a covered dish. I remember one year everybody brought potato salad; 73 bowls of potato salad.
- To this day potato salad is my least favorite food, right behind fruit cake, which was always made by grandma. She was old and didn’t care if we liked it or not.
- Who invented fruit cake and why did they do it? What were they thinking? “Let’s invent a cake that no one will eat and make it a Christmas dish.”
- No one likes it, not even Santa Claus. Every time I’d leave out a slice with a glass of milk on Christmas Eve, the next morning the milk would be gone, but the fruit cake would still be there.
- You can’t get rid of the stuff. It lasts forever. Fruit cake never goes bad and even if it does, how will you know?
- I Always give fruit cake to people I don’t like. I sent George Bush a fruit cake last year. I sent Dick Chaney two of them.
- My family’s not really big on Christmas decorations. We put up a tree and a wreath on the door and that’s about it. My neighbors are rednecks. They put up a glowing Santa Claus on top of their house with a number eight on his suit.
- And he’s peeing on a Ford Sleigh.
- And a cemetery wreath on the door instead of a Christmas wreath. I guess when times are tough you make do the best as you can.
- I remember one year when Daddy was out of work and couldn’t get me anything for Christmas, he drove around the neighborhood and picked up boxes on side of the road where other people got their kids stuff. Then he put the boxes under our tree. We were really poor that year but I got a lot of really nice boxes.
- Anyway, here’s a Merry Christmas to you and your family from Moccasin Gap. That’s right, I said Merry Christmas. I don’t care who I offend.
- I notice the folks at Walmart say, “Happy Holidays.” They don’t want to offend the Muslims.
- There are no Muslims in Moccasin Gap, just God fearing unemployed country folks.
- And if there were any Muslims here the rednecks would use them for target practice.
- If they don’t say, “Merry Christmas” then you shouldn’t shop there, bottom line.
- And now, in California they’re using a slimmed down Santa Claus because the fat one sends the wrong message. They should rope off California from the rest of the country.
- I’ll be so glad when the big earthquake comes and sends California sliding into the ocean.
- I’m so glad I was born in North Carolina. We don’t have crazy people here, just folks who are special.
